So I’ve said before that I tend to ‘check out’ which is never ideal, but it’s a fact of my life and you know, it could be worse, when there’s starving children in the world and terminal illness, in reality I’ve been handed a pretty minor situation to deal with.
Hearing and seeing things…
Hallucinations may not be as mad as you think, it’s not all green elephants and imaginary fires. Mine mainly consist of music, music that isn’t there, auditory hallucinations are fun and irritating at the same time. It gets excessive when I’m stressed, so exams in school were the most infuriating thing, how am I supposed to sit a 3 hour humanities exam when I have Blondie blasting in my brain?? (Yes, Blondie, the woman is my hero) and I’m not talking that faint ‘can I hear music?’ it’s like having a radio on full blast, a home one, not a car, I’d have lost my shit long ago if it was on par with a nightclub. It isn’t so bad, but how loud it is totally depends on my emotional levels, if I’m freaking out with stress then it’s LOUDDDD and lasts for a while. If I’m just a little stressed then it’s tolerable and fades out after about an hour. It’s the same feeling as when all the blood rushes to your head…but sound…if that makes it easier for anyone to figure out what in the living heck I’m talking about.
The less appealing one is spiders, I see spiders a lot, spiders that aren’t there, brain’s are such funny things, evidently I’m terrified of them, if I was just seeing puppies then who would really win? The answer is me, I would. But alas, no, spiders. Big ol’ scary, creepy ass spiders. On walls, floors, in my bag, on me, on other people, on planes, in cars, in my shoes. Yeah, that one blows, I’m not a fan of it, but that one’s been taking a backseat for a while, it used to happen every day, now it’s like once a month, so it isn’t the worst.
Then the winner of the situation…*drum roll here* I forget what me and my family look like, and friends. I will look in the mirror or at photos and I haven’t got a clue who that person is. Have you ever had to relearn your face? It’s weird and uncomfortable. Sometimes I think my parents are strangers, because I don’t know who I’m looking at, I don’t know if it’s classed as a hallucination or disassociating but it takes me a while to figure it out, every time, and it’s the most common one that happens. It clicks after a while but sitting there looking at your social media and not recognising anyone is seriously the weirdest thing I’ve ever dealt with.
Hella mood changes…
Mood swings go from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds, I’ll be happy and excited and ready to take on the day then BOOOOOM I’m crying in Tesco. Yeah. I love it, keeps me on my toes, keeps me interesting I guess. Or I’ll be a bit blah about my day and then all of a sudden I want to punch a wall, for no real reason, I’m just angry.
Actively hurting myself used to be a massive issue, that’s the only way I knew how to control my emotions, but even in my worst states now I still fight that urge and haven’t done it in a couple of years. I used to hit myself in the face as well, that was excessive, and annoying and I’m glad I’ve reconditioned myself not to do it. I would scratch, like deep. I’ve had friends that would break fingers when they were dealing with their intense stuff, sometimes it’s the only way you think you can deal with everything, and I’m not saying it’s ridiculous or questioning why people do it because I am ‘people’ but there are other ways and once you learn that and learn new ways to cope then you find yourself doing it less and less and finding rational coping mechanisms that don’t involve physically hurting yourself.
I guess the whole way my brain deals with situations is a little mad, and if you don’t laugh you’ll cry, like, I know I make things sound pretty nonchalant and chilled out but it is a problem, and people suffer with it, I completely get that, because I do, but if I don’t make a positive outcome from it then it would take over my life. There’s always new ways to positively deal with every situation.