POSITIVITY SPAM #1

Hey babys

For all of the bad and negative in the world I want to do the occasional positivity spam. Full of quotes to use as a daily mantra and maybe even a positive story? Who knows, I’ve gone rogue on this one, but hopefully we’ll get past all of this waffling and it’ll turn into something half decent…maybe.

Daily Mantras for you in photo form ॐ

 

If this isn’t such a cute story…

Molly works for The Pet Detectives, based in Guildford, England. Her job is to rescue missing felines
This dog that’s been trained to rescue cats!

Because animals are wonderful and everyone should adore them!

 

Loves

x

Advertisements

Openly talking about depression #3 – The nasty reality of suicide

I try to take at least a 2 minute silence every day for the people I’ve lost in my life. My first encounter with suicide was when my best friend killed herself when I was 12 years old. She was 13 nearly 14. The age gap between me and my sister meant at that age she was at University and Sian was like a surrogate sister to me, she made sure I was fine and she looked after me at school and she was the missing piece in my life. We went through Brownies and Girl Guides together and we went on camping trips and I could never have asked for a better friend. She helped me with homework and we’d build dens and she would make people know that if they upset me that they had to deal with her.

When we moved from primary school she was being bullied for her nationality by some girls in her year and then all of a sudden she was gone. I’d moved to a different school and I found out she’d left us when I got home and one of my friends was banging on my door and crying. My world shattered, this strong, ethereal being that had so suddenly come into my life and been like family had as quickly been dragged away.

It’s a weird age to comprehend that someone could push another human being so far that they only had one way out. I didn’t understand that people didn’t consider the consequences of their actions. I’d been bullied, and a lot of people go through it so I knew the misery, and in my head I thought it had to have been 100x worse for her to have been that sad. I presumed it was the amount of bullying that had done it and the severity, not that her inner conflict would be a drastic part in it.

I learnt that in High School, the bullying could be a day or a month or one comment but that is going to spiral within you so intensely that the amount isn’t the one cause. I’m not saying bullying isn’t sadistic and immature, just that some people mentally can deal with it better than others. I was threatened a lot at High School by a couple of girls, I’d never known misery that deep, not sadness, but complete isolation and self loathing, ‘why me’ ‘why now’ ‘am I that easy to put down.’ The lame thing is those girls probably don’t even remember it, and if they do then I forgive them and hope they matured into wonderful adults that have worked off that bad karma and those insecurities.

High School was the first time I’d considered killing myself. Not a ‘I’m so sad I want to die’ but a ‘this is when everyone’s out of the house, here are the letters to my family, fuck this’

Suicidal thoughts come in waves, and then you start getting inventive, and it becomes so natural. That’s the scariest part of depression and mental health problems, it is your normal, you don’t know any other way of thinking, because it’s probably always been there, so you have a day you’re ready to throw yourself out of a car? That’s standard because you considered it last week. I don’t know what it’s like to not want to kill myself, how wild is that?

I’ve lost 2 people in my life to suicide. I’ve seen the devastation it’s caused, I’ve seen the grief and the loss and although I’m stubborn, I somehow still can’t let myself do that to other people. I may convince myself they wouldn’t care but I’ll be damned if I ever put my mum, dad, or sister through that kind of sadness. Because it’s my sadness, mine to carry and mine to resolve, not mine to spread to the people I love. They may help carry the burden and they may get exhausted but I would never pass it over to them, I won’t hand it over and say “HERE, this is yours now because I am done with it”

Everyone’s seen suicide statistics for their country, everyone knows it’s a problem and especially among young people. I celebrated my 18th birthday without my best friend because she couldn’t physically go on anymore and now we’re in a time where people are more open and freely talking about their problems and I don’t want anyone to have to go through that too. I don’t want anyone to think they’re being silenced or wouldn’t get taken seriously. If you are ready to throw in the towel and call it quits then you don’t have to keep quiet. No one would judge you.

The power of intense emotions and how my brain deals with that…

So I’ve said before that I tend to ‘check out’ which is never ideal, but it’s a fact of my life and you know, it could be worse, when there’s starving children in the world and terminal illness, in reality I’ve been handed a pretty minor situation to deal with.

Hearing and seeing things…

Hallucinations may not be as mad as you think, it’s not all green elephants and imaginary fires. Mine mainly consist of music, music that isn’t there, auditory hallucinations are fun and irritating at the same time. It gets excessive when I’m stressed, so exams in school were the most infuriating thing, how am I supposed to sit a 3 hour humanities exam when I have Blondie blasting in my brain?? (Yes, Blondie, the woman is my hero) and I’m not talking that faint ‘can I hear music?’ it’s like having a radio on full blast, a home one, not a car, I’d have lost my shit long ago if it was on par with a nightclub. It isn’t so bad, but how loud it is totally depends on my emotional levels, if I’m freaking out with stress then it’s LOUDDDD and lasts for a while. If I’m just a little stressed then it’s tolerable and fades out after about an hour. It’s the same feeling as when all the blood rushes to your head…but sound…if that makes it easier for anyone to figure out what in the living heck I’m talking about.

The less appealing one is spiders, I see spiders a lot, spiders that aren’t there, brain’s are such funny things, evidently I’m terrified of them, if I was just seeing puppies then who would really win? The answer is me, I would. But alas, no, spiders. Big ol’ scary, creepy ass spiders. On walls, floors, in my bag, on me, on other people, on planes, in cars, in my shoes. Yeah, that one blows, I’m not a fan of it, but that one’s been taking a backseat for a while, it used to happen every day, now it’s like once a month, so it isn’t the worst.

Then the winner of the situation…*drum roll here* I forget what me and my family look like, and friends. I will look in the mirror or at photos and I haven’t got a clue who that person is. Have you ever had to relearn your face? It’s weird and uncomfortable. Sometimes I think my parents are strangers, because I don’t know who I’m looking at, I don’t know if it’s classed as a hallucination or disassociating but it takes me a while to figure it out, every time, and it’s the most common one that happens. It clicks after a while but sitting there looking at your social media and not recognising anyone is seriously the weirdest thing I’ve ever dealt with.

Hella mood changes…

Mood swings go from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds, I’ll be happy and excited and ready to take on the day then BOOOOOM I’m crying in Tesco. Yeah. I love it, keeps me on my toes, keeps me interesting I guess. Or I’ll be a bit blah about my day and then all of a sudden I want to punch a wall, for no real reason, I’m just angry.

Acting out…

Actively hurting myself used to be a massive issue, that’s the only way I knew how to control my emotions, but even in my worst states now I still fight that urge and haven’t done it in a couple of years. I used to hit myself in the face as well, that was excessive, and annoying and I’m glad I’ve reconditioned myself not to do it. I would scratch, like deep. I’ve had friends that would break fingers when they were dealing with their intense stuff, sometimes it’s the only way you think you can deal with everything, and I’m not saying it’s ridiculous or questioning why people do it because I am ‘people’ but there are other ways and once you learn that and learn new ways to cope then you find yourself doing it less and less and finding rational coping mechanisms that don’t involve physically hurting yourself.

I guess the whole way my brain deals with situations is a little mad, and if you don’t laugh you’ll cry, like, I know I make things sound pretty nonchalant and chilled out but it is a problem, and people suffer with it, I completely get that, because I do, but if I don’t make a positive outcome from it then it would take over my life. There’s always new ways to positively deal with every situation.