POSITIVITY SPAM #1

Hey babys

For all of the bad and negative in the world I want to do the occasional positivity spam. Full of quotes to use as a daily mantra and maybe even a positive story? Who knows, I’ve gone rogue on this one, but hopefully we’ll get past all of this waffling and it’ll turn into something half decent…maybe.

Daily Mantras for you in photo form ॐ

 

If this isn’t such a cute story…

Molly works for The Pet Detectives, based in Guildford, England. Her job is to rescue missing felines
This dog that’s been trained to rescue cats!

Because animals are wonderful and everyone should adore them!

 

Loves

x

Openly talking about depression #3 – The nasty reality of suicide

I try to take at least a 2 minute silence every day for the people I’ve lost in my life. My first encounter with suicide was when my best friend killed herself when I was 12 years old. She was 13 nearly 14. The age gap between me and my sister meant at that age she was at University and Sian was like a surrogate sister to me, she made sure I was fine and she looked after me at school and she was the missing piece in my life. We went through Brownies and Girl Guides together and we went on camping trips and I could never have asked for a better friend. She helped me with homework and we’d build dens and she would make people know that if they upset me that they had to deal with her.

When we moved from primary school she was being bullied for her nationality by some girls in her year and then all of a sudden she was gone. I’d moved to a different school and I found out she’d left us when I got home and one of my friends was banging on my door and crying. My world shattered, this strong, ethereal being that had so suddenly come into my life and been like family had as quickly been dragged away.

It’s a weird age to comprehend that someone could push another human being so far that they only had one way out. I didn’t understand that people didn’t consider the consequences of their actions. I’d been bullied, and a lot of people go through it so I knew the misery, and in my head I thought it had to have been 100x worse for her to have been that sad. I presumed it was the amount of bullying that had done it and the severity, not that her inner conflict would be a drastic part in it.

I learnt that in High School, the bullying could be a day or a month or one comment but that is going to spiral within you so intensely that the amount isn’t the one cause. I’m not saying bullying isn’t sadistic and immature, just that some people mentally can deal with it better than others. I was threatened a lot at High School by a couple of girls, I’d never known misery that deep, not sadness, but complete isolation and self loathing, ‘why me’ ‘why now’ ‘am I that easy to put down.’ The lame thing is those girls probably don’t even remember it, and if they do then I forgive them and hope they matured into wonderful adults that have worked off that bad karma and those insecurities.

High School was the first time I’d considered killing myself. Not a ‘I’m so sad I want to die’ but a ‘this is when everyone’s out of the house, here are the letters to my family, fuck this’

Suicidal thoughts come in waves, and then you start getting inventive, and it becomes so natural. That’s the scariest part of depression and mental health problems, it is your normal, you don’t know any other way of thinking, because it’s probably always been there, so you have a day you’re ready to throw yourself out of a car? That’s standard because you considered it last week. I don’t know what it’s like to not want to kill myself, how wild is that?

I’ve lost 2 people in my life to suicide. I’ve seen the devastation it’s caused, I’ve seen the grief and the loss and although I’m stubborn, I somehow still can’t let myself do that to other people. I may convince myself they wouldn’t care but I’ll be damned if I ever put my mum, dad, or sister through that kind of sadness. Because it’s my sadness, mine to carry and mine to resolve, not mine to spread to the people I love. They may help carry the burden and they may get exhausted but I would never pass it over to them, I won’t hand it over and say “HERE, this is yours now because I am done with it”

Everyone’s seen suicide statistics for their country, everyone knows it’s a problem and especially among young people. I celebrated my 18th birthday without my best friend because she couldn’t physically go on anymore and now we’re in a time where people are more open and freely talking about their problems and I don’t want anyone to have to go through that too. I don’t want anyone to think they’re being silenced or wouldn’t get taken seriously. If you are ready to throw in the towel and call it quits then you don’t have to keep quiet. No one would judge you.

THE GREAT BIG WIDE WORLD OF DATING…

Hello my lovely hindered souls, I am rubbish at keeping this going but apparently I’ve been trying to sort out my entire life, and will be writing up quite a few posts over the next couple of days and getting those on here.

LET’S. TALK. DATING.

Dating is this weird mix of fear, happiness, and self loathing, we all know that, and as much as the ‘Find you a man that can do both’ meme has been hanging about, we are a whole different breed of daters.

Dating is a whole mess of unknown for everyone, but when it comes to the spectrum of mental health we are hiding way more than our ‘inner crazy’…

Men/Women/Gender Neutral partners that aren’t clued up on mental health are sometimes going to question a lot of what we do, for me it’s wanting to spend time alone, serious trust issues, panic attacks, paranoia, ‘episodes’ and over sharing. Sometimes they think we are in need of being fixed, and that they can do it, that they make us happy so we shouldn’t be feeling anything other than that, sometimes we get smothered when we need someone to let us breathe. We aren’t difficult to date, not by a long shot, it’s just harder explaining to someone how our brain works and why this lack of chemicals or brain activity/excess brain activity/different part of the brain activity/THERE ARE DRAGONS ON THE CEILING kind of brain activity, makes us act differently to others.

So part of my situation involves over sharing…stated earlier…which means I’m what I like to call ‘aggressively honest’ essentially after knowing people for all of a day I will open up like fricking Pompeii about everything going on with me. Dating is definitely an experience for the other person involved, if you ever wanted to date someone that can hear Katy Perry singing from literally nowhere then hello, welcome to the blog, you’ve found me, if you want to know my life from the age 5+ and every single aspect of my mental health and emotional spectrum then talk to me for 24 hours and you’ll know it all. Want a girlfriend that locks herself in any available free room to have a panic attack? BINGO BANGO. Oh and if we’re dating then, even if you’re not, you’re always cheating on me, you can always do better, you’re dating me as a dare or for a joke, you’re with me to get close to someone I know, and my favourite so far is that I’ve been convinced someone was dating me to get a job?? Thanks brain.

There are pros and cons of dating people that do and don’t know about mental health, people that do will over analyse your actions and assume they know (every single person is different mental health wise, even if 2 people are depressed, brains work differently) which can get excessive, if not annoying sometimes if they act on what they think rather than what’s going on with you. But on the other hand they are aware that sometimes things will happen and there are right and wrong ways to react to that. People that don’t, you are going to have to spend some time teaching them a little bit about it and how it affects you, and that all comes down to how you personally are with your beautiful individuality.

DATING OTHER PEOPLE ON OUR SPECTRUM

There probably aren’t enough words in the English language to express the difficulties of dating within our circle, and the magical sense of compatibility you can also feel from dating within the circle. For anyone that has dated in the gang, you’ll probably know the heartbreaking truth of what it’s like when it doesn’t work or when things go wrong, or you may know what it’s like to find your soulmate. What I am trying to express is the ways in which a manic depressive can rub off onto another manic depressive, or the way someone with anxiety can change the thoughts of someone with an OCD, how BPD can be hindered by depression, how a narcissist is going to turn your world upside down. Recovery is a very fragile time, and a lifelong process for most ( ‘Recovery’ being used here for everything that depletes you of all emotional energy, will power, focus, drive and so forth, also for all our hims/hers/theys/yous that recover physically from their inner battles) some of us are more susceptible to pressure and picking up habits, some of us get so wrapped up in others feelings that we start feeling them for ourselves, so if you are two beings spending a lot of time together regularly then, like in any other relationship, you start mimicking each other, which can be life changing or devastating depending on what chapter of your experience you’re in.

DATING ANYONE WILL BE AN ADVENTURE

and that’s the damn truth, you’ve just gotta put in the time to really express how you are and what you need, when you need to. You don’t have to hide anything about yourself, you don’t have to dilute your existence for anyone.

ALL YOU NEED TO REMEMBER IS THAT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY AND YOU NEED PEOPLE THAT CREATE A GLORIOUS HARMONY WITH THAT AND NOT GO AGAINST IT. THAT ANYONE THAT BLAMES YOU FOR HOW YOU ARE IS NEVER WORTH YOUR ENERGY AND THAT YES SOME PEOPLE ARE TRASH BUT PEOPLE WILL LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY FOR WHO YOU ARE AND YOU NEVER EVER SETTLE BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH THE STARS IN THE SKY.

For anyone reading that is reading this because they are with someone that is part of our cult (yes every name for ‘group’ will be used, cult feels extra but I’m not mad at it either) then you can very easily clue yourself in on some minor details of what they have online, trust medical sites or medical studies (studies in psychiatry or psychology will be what you’re looking out for, cognitive not social) First person accounts are trickier because they will be biased on how that person’s mental health is part of their life not a general overview. Remember anything you read about mental health disorders and varieties of, will list a whooooooooooole heap of stuff that comes with it and some people are only affected by some of the stuff on that list, it’s not like a cold where it’s obvious what someone has because of specific ‘symptoms.’ And patience is your best friend with everything, it would be like getting mad at someone with Tourettes for their tics you know? We can’t magically make it disappear.

Openly talking about depression #1 – How I told my mum.

We were built as warriors and we deserve the life given to us.

I really wanted to get this one out of the way, because it was me hitting my rock bottom that made me tell my mum. I actually ended up telling her when she was working away, and I told her via email. I can’t remember why I told her or how it even came up, I just remember being on my bedroom floor and crying for an eternity and then emailing her expecting that to fix it. I deal with my fair share in life, anxiety and depression, what some would refer to as manic depression, what others refer to as a multitude of things.IMG_4352.JPG

I don’t remember what I said to my mum about it, I just remember the situation vividly, I remember telling her I wanted to kill myself and that was probably the worst part, I remember waiting for a reply, I remember her kind of tiptoeing around me for a long time and treating me like I was fragile. I remember going for a meal in London with my mum, her work friends, and my sister and I remember my mum telling me she’d told my sister. I remember it making me want to throw up. I don’t know who else she told in the family, but knowing my mother, probably everyone but they’ve never mentioned it.

Telling my parents stuff has always been weird, we’re a very open family, I’ve cried on my mum about boys and my dad’s seen me beyond drunk but it feels like the real heartbreaking stuff just isn’t what we talk about. How do you tell the woman who gave birth to you that you don’t think you’re good enough for the life she put herself through hell to give you. If you’re me, then you send her a 3 page email about how you can’t even get in a car anymore without wanting to open the door and throw yourself out.

Due to various anxieties I’d lost a lot of friends, my depression made me lash out as well which didn’t help, I had a lot of anger and a lot of resentment for the people that seemed to be comfortable with who they were. I couldn’t understand why I was so, I guess, empty all of the time. I hated how I looked, I hated who I was, I hated everything and it was a dark place to be. If I wasn’t resenting people then I was just a zombie, by the time I’d got myself to a point where there was no need to even turn on my phone anymore I was 70 ft deep in a pit of self hatred, sadness and despair with no other way out. I just had this constant nagging in my head that told me the easiest solution was to end it. Since I had no friends to talk to, mixed with the worst emotional breakdown of my life, I think I just went into autopilot and emailed her, part of me thought maybe I’d just do it while she wasn’t home and the email would be some form of explanation as to why. I honestly still don’t know why I sent it, but I’m glad I did. I may even try and search for it actually, reflect on how far I’ve come as a person.

I can’t say that for everyone telling your parents or siblings or friends is going to make you feel better, but I know for a fact, on that night, if I hadn’t got all of that off my chest and talked to someone that I wouldn’t be here now. I was in such a dark and desperate place, and I am grateful everyday that even in that state, my subconscious kind of went into survival mode. After all of the hell there was still a part of me that was like “no fuck this you’ll get through it” even if I couldn’t hear it or feel it, it was there.

I love my mum and my family, and I remember the reply making me cry more, but I guess a different kind of sad crying, if anyone would understand that. She was supportive and I imagine very concerned, and maybe I did just need to hear that I wasn’t alone even if I was convinced I was. I remember the struggle, every day after I had to actively try and make sure I never hit that point again, I never wanted to feel that again, I didn’t want hurting myself to be the only way to be in control of my own thoughts. I didn’t want the only solution to be a permanent one. Everyone fights it on a daily basis, everyone copes in their own way, but I think collectively, a majority of people can and will benefit from talking about it, to anyone, like I did. It may have been my mum but it was still an email.

I urge anyone reading this who is struggling with something right now to talk about it, or even just write it down, there are charities and organisations made just to deal with these kind of things if you’re concerned about talking to someone close to you. You can talk to me.

For me, realising I had nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of was a big help, depression is a problem, mental health should always be a priority and I have made it that in my life, it’s number 1. I wanted to kill myself and I am far from embarrassed to admit that.

I’m in no way saying or even insinuating that I’m depression free or even in control of this one, it still comes around, reminds me it’s there, but that nagging voice is a mere whisper now compared to the screaming that it used to be. Surrounding yourself with positive people and positive things is always the best option, have your own mantra, pick a book that you’ll read when you’re feeling low to lift you back up. Do not be afraid to speak up. Other people are going through something similar and there’s always someone who has your back no matter what. You are not a burden. You are loved. It will pass. You are wanted and you are strong. It will get easier to handle. We were built as warriors and we deserve the life given to us.ॐ